http://www.blogger.com/html?blogID=4316350785635987648 Cave Dwellings: I just couldn’t resist this one..Hey, I felt the need for humor!

July 4th , 2016

July 4th , 2016
Den and me

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I just couldn’t resist this one..Hey, I felt the need for humor!

I would love to take credit for this , but it was written by Dave Barry…If you have every had a colonoscopy, you will relate….it’s hilarious, and you all know just  how sick my sense of humor is! If I have offended anyone…..OH WELL.Princess

Dave  Barry's colonoscopy journal:

“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).  Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

pumpkincolonoscopy

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began  hooking something up to the needle in my hand.There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.  'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am  going to tell you,in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

colonoscopy (2)

 

I have no idea!  Really!  I slept through it!  One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.”

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

~Robert Orben

18 comments:

  1. You would have to publish that today! Guess what I am doing......Yep, you are right. Big day coming up tomorrow! Thanks so much for the encouragement.

    No, really, you did make me laugh.

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    1. NO WAY, NAN!!!! If it's any consolation, I felt no pain at all..NADA, ZIP, ZILCH!

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  2. My doctor was playing the banjo when I was being wheeled into the room... He was good at it... but... dueling banjos?..... Deliverance? (we probably all remember THAT scene)

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    1. Deliverance...Well, at least the Doc has a sense of humor and therefore..ME LIKEY HIM!

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  3. Well, I could tell a different story. Maybe the way they do it is different here in Canada, or they didn't like me. :))
    No needle here, no sir! I was wide awake under the whole procedure and I don't want to tell you what it felt like!
    But I passed with flying colors as well. I hope I have never ever to go through this again.

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    1. Oh my, Bea....I felt no pain at all....I cannot imagine being awake for it...YIKES!

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  4. When I had mine done the doctor came in after it was over and stuck out his hand to shake hands and I told him lets just knuckle up I know when yours hands have been all day..

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  5. They do not put you to sleep for the "short" form. The Sigmonoscopy. (I know that isn't spelled correctly.)

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    1. What ever it was. It was LONG for me! And the nurse kept saying: hang on, just a few seconds more......

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  6. Leave it to me to get the "long" form...

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  7. Pretty much how I remember it. Can't say it was that bad, but definitely not looking forward to another one.

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  8. Been there,,done that a few times. The first time the procedure was not too awful (awake, but just barely). Next time, they had to stop the procedure because everything tightened up and they couldn't make the whole trip. After that, they put me to sleep and all went well. Overdue for another visit, and I ain't looking forward to it.

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  9. Yeah, it's not my favorite either...the prep is the worst..after that it's a piece of cake..

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  10. OMG.....this was so funny and I could totally relate. Right before it was lights out for me, my little Indian doctor with his thick accent asked me, "Do you like Bud Lite? Then you are going to like the Butt Light". Next thing I knew, I was waking up and told I had a "beautiful colon". Awww, now get me the F.... outta here!

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