http://www.blogger.com/html?blogID=4316350785635987648 Cave Dwellings: October 2013
Cave Dwellings

Key West, 2005

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I just couldn’t resist this one..Hey, I felt the need for humor!

I would love to take credit for this , but it was written by Dave Barry…If you have every had a colonoscopy, you will relate….it’s hilarious, and you all know just  how sick my sense of humor is! If I have offended anyone…..OH WELL.Princess

Dave  Barry's colonoscopy journal:

“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).  Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

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At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began  hooking something up to the needle in my hand.There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.  'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am  going to tell you,in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

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I have no idea!  Really!  I slept through it!  One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.”

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

~Robert Orben

Sunday, October 27, 2013

A Bit of a “Hitch”in my Giddyup….

I know, I get it, I am NOT very good at keeping up my own blogging..I actually have no really good reason, so I will blame it on my attention span.  Lately, a few other things have become apparent and need a bit more of my very short attention span..First of all, as you all know, the elders are moving home (this Friday, YIKES!), so I have been busy getting their home in order, buying them a new bed, getting someone to fix their refrigerator, buying things they will need when home, the list is too long to post.  Dennis and I went to see our Cardiologist for the yearly OK,” you’re good to go”.  Long story short, he didn’t like my total cholesterol numbers and ordered some high flying VAP blood test.  He also recommended I see an Endocrinologist concerning some of my symptoms: tired, crabby, (OK, those are 2 I really don’t like to admit to), heart palpitations, high BP, Calcium in  my blood…and last but not least, the ever dreaded KIDNEY STONES! ..

First I marched myself down to my GP’s office in Sandwich, blood test order in hand, …and no one there had ever heard of such a blood test.  The nurse there recommended I take my mysterious order to the Valley West Hospital Lab.  Valley West is our local hospital, which has just undergone an overhaul on the interior.

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Pretty nice remodel job..wonder what these tests will cost me???Surprised smile..Turns out I stumped the Lab Tech up there too, but she got out her book and looked it up…In a matter of minutes, the Vampires had my blood..I asked how long it would take to get the results….”Oh, these are specialized tests, and they have to go to Mayo to be read”…ALRIGHTY, THEN..I  proceeded to do the next thing on my list..call the Endocrinologist I was referred to and make an appointment…Long story longer, at first it looked like I would have a wait to get in..UNTIL I dropped my Cardio Doc’s name..then magically a cancellation appeared and I could get in the next day..YES!!!!

I’m not going to bore you with my medical mystery tour much longer, but I did love this adorable little lady Dr…She asked my tons of questions, focusing in on family history of Thyroid trouble..No, I didn’t have any in my family that I KNEW of…She had me turn around and felt my neck…BINGO!..”You have a nodule on your thyroid”. “ Nodule” ….I guess that is the nicer word..She could have said, lump, bump, growth, knot, mass, tumor, blob, clump, protuberance, chunk or hunk…Then she started rattling off words like , Vitamin D levels, Calcium tests, blood panel, thyroid ultrasound and FNAB.. I pretty much understood all but the last group of letters..I should have known they don’t actually SAY Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy right away…At any rate, I was NOT expecting her to actually find said “nodule”so quickly!. She informed me I was in for more Lab tests, a 24 hour urine catch (one of my all –time most mortifying tests..like peeing in a hat and saving it for one full day.Confused smile).  Also included was a Thyroid ultrasound..The final step would be the FNAB, to determine if there was any Cancer or not..Just for the record, 90-95% of these lump, bump, nodules are NOT Cancer…….Thumbs up.   This last “poke” will determine if I need surgery or not…Whatever it takes, just let’s “git ‘er done!”

Needless to say, I have been getting poked, prodded, gooped up with gel and rolled over for the past few days.  BRING ON THOSE RESULTS AND LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!!!!

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Rush Copley Healthcare Facility, where my Thyroid Ultrasound took place Friday AM….”Lie back, sweetie,  and tip your head waaay back.  Now, I’m going to put some cold gel on  your neck and  press an instrument around for 15 minutes while you try to pretend  you can swallow and not get dizzy, while in this position”…then, about 15 minutes later,”OK, you can sit back up now..OOPS, be careful, you are a little shakey..Dizzy too?, Yes, that  happens”..  What EVER!! Let me outta hear, I have a huge craving for a  McDouble burgerSmile with tongue out.

Enough about ME…Let’s talk about travel!  I felt the need to get the Cave Dwellers some camping reservations for Texas this December..MacGyver says he will probably be out of the corn and beans by middle of November or slightly later..I already have the whole family coming the weekend of Nov. 22nd (our 44th Wedding Anniversary, by the way) for our Cave-A-Palooza early Thanksgiving Celebration..”God willing and the creek don’t rise”.  I figure with any luck we could be leaving right about Thanksgiving Day or that following weekend..sooooo…I booked us into Buckhorn Creek, Lake O' The Pines in the Piney Woods, Jefferson TX( in Northeast Texas)..We check in on Dec. 8th and stay 10 days…We have stayed here before. Here are a few pics of this place.

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This is site 113, and we have it booked again..a perfect site..PLUS, we get an “old geezer’s” discount of half price camping!! WOOT!WOOT!

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I cannot wait to get to Jefferson again…One place everyone should see, especially at Xmas time… OK…let’s all repeat after me..”WE WILL GET TO JEFFERSON, WE WILL GET TO JEFFERSON, WE DADGUM WILL GET TO JEFFERSON THIS DECEMBER!!!!!!..Thanks everyone…. I needed that!!

“A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them.”  ~Leonard Louis Levinson

Sunday, October 20, 2013

We went to the “Donut Dash”..If you don’t “dash”, you don’t deserve a donut!

  This morning was a cool 38 degrees when MacGyver and I peeled our lazy arses out from under the down comforter…I totally get why they call it a comforter!! We rolled out of the sack a tad early so we could walk out to the Sandwich Fairgrounds to watch 3 of the Heiser family run in the Donut Dash…(who decides the time of these races??)..I was hoping to get a donut just for walking the 3 blocks to the fairgrounds, but I guess that didn’t count. (Actually one of the crew DID offer me a donut, but I just couldn’t take it without doing the actual RUN!) This race was sponsored by the Sandwich Park District which is very active in our community.  Terrie, Tim and Peyton were running…Ter and Tim ran the 10K and Peyton ran the 5K…

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This was Peyton’s first race outside of running Cross Country for his middle school.  He was signed up for the 5K and Ter and Tim were signed up for the 10K…Den and I were signed up for the “watch all K’s”….

Since Peyton began running Cross Country he has taken up his Mom and Dad’s love for the run and he was pretty nervous for his first official race. 

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Our new Sandwich Mayor, Rick Olson, used to be Tim’s boss when Tim was a Sandwich Police Officer and Rick was Sandwich Police Chief.   Being the Mayor, Rick got the honors of firing the shot to start the race…

The 10K runners started first at 8:30AM…

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That would be our colorful neon Heiser couple in the pink and lime green…AND THEY’RE OFF!! Peyton’s race didn’t start for another half hour, so we got to see Tim and Terrie on the first leg of their journey…

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Ter and Tim stuck right together for the whole race….No way could I keep up with Dennis’s long frog legs…In fact, the only way I would run a race is if there was a clown with a bloody knife chasing me and Margaritas at the end of the race!!Flirt male

 

 

 

 

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You won’t be surprised to know that Dennis was helping the crew adjust the flags for the finish line…

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Before any of the 10K runners finished, they started the 5K…Peyton was anxious to get this race underway…RUN, PEYTON, RUN!!

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Left photo is Peyton on the first leg of the 5K..still had his hat on….Right is Peyton crossing the finish line…hat off and sweating up a storm!! About 10 minutes after Peyton crossed the finish line, we spotted his Mom and Dad running in from the 10K…

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Still together, they crossed the finish line lookin’ good!!  I have no idea where this “running gene” comes into our family…certainly not from me.  However, MacGyver did pole vault in high school…but no running.  Hey, wait a minute, I DID give Dennis quite a chase back in ‘69, when he was running after me…wooing me to marry himNinja

After all of the runners had finished they posted finish times and gave out medals for the winners in various age groups and  genders….There were lots of people awaiting their honors….Including the Heiser track team…

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Lo and behold, Tim got a FIRST PLACE medal for men age 40-45!! and Terrie got a SECOND PLACE medal for women in the same age bracket!!!!!

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But the best, by far, was Peyton…FIRST PLACE FOR MEN THROUGH AGE 14…..

WOOT! WOOT!!!!! 

(I know, I know… this photo is not very clear…It’s hard to operate my camera with tears of joy…Crying facePointing upThumbs up)  

What a fun way to start the morning!!!!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Augustana College Homecoming…Yup, we tailgated!!

First of all, I have to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS, TIM HEISER!  for completing his 3rd Chicago Marathon in 4 hrs, 7minutes and 31 seconds!! WOOT!WOOT!! You are awesome, Detective Heiser, and we love you!!!

So…. Dennis and I actually had a teeny tiny vacation overnight this weekend.   We went to a college football game and tailgated with some of our relatives. Den’s sister’s son, Mark, and his wife Brenda have 2 kids.  Jordan is a Freshman at Mizzou and she is a college cheerleader.  Josh is a Senior at Augustana College in Rock Island, IL, a pre-med student, AND an Academic All-American…I guess you could say that their two kids are over-achievers and great kids.  They invited Den and I to come out to Auggie for Homecoming and do some serious tailgating with them.  Tom and Leanne, (Den’s niece and Mark’s sister), plus Mark’s Dad (Den’s brother-in-law) were also going.  Mark booked us all rooms at the Isle of Capri Hotel and Casino in Rock Island.  It’s about a 2 hour drive from here to Bettendorf and a few adult beverages were going to be involved, so we opted to stay overnight…(My Mama didn’t raise no dummies!)

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Mark and Brenda have this college tailgating down to a fine art..That’s Mark, our chef, grilling up some burgers and dogs.  The weather was fabulous, not a cloud in the sky!

After the game, Josh gave us a tour of  Augustana College campus…This place is sooooo beautiful! One of the prettiest colleges I have seen ( and , believe it or not, I have seen a few!)

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Rock Island, IL is right along the Mississippi River, it is very hilly and wooded property.  That middle photo is a lounge for students to study..I was lucky if we had a desk and a candle.

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Basketball stadium on the left, and the indoor practice track and field place…pretty impressive!

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The work-out room..Josh spends time here for track and field…

Josh also took us on the path that he takes to get to his Frat house..I totally forget what fraternity he’s in..I do remember one called “Tappa Kega Day” when I was hanging out with a few sketchy frat brothers…Surprised smile

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What a gorgeous walk along the water we had.  I’m pretty sure it is darned expensive to go to this school, and I also know that Josh got a scholarship or two..or threeRolling on the floor laughing!  Josh was quite an athlete at Richmond Burton High School, and his sister, Jordan was a cheerleader there.  Jordan competed in many a cheerleading competition..So, basically these 2 kids have walls full of awards!

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Josh now has added his name (4th down above photo) to the list of Academic All Americans in the awards case at Augustana College.  That photo on the right is one that is displayed in a slide show in the same award case…WAY TO GO , JOSHUA!!  All in all , Den and I had a fabulous overnight where we ate drank and made merry, pretending all was right in our world…A new perspective never hurts, right?? Plus, we got to stay in a plushy hotel. Mark got us $160 rooms for $50 on priceline…THANKS MARK!!

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Dennis, relaxing in luxury……….              Above, is the lobby………….               Last pic is our view from the 8th floor just before dawn…

So, a HUGE thanks to Joshua for tolerating his “elder” relatives and giving us such a fine tour of Augustana College Campus…Dennis was sorry you wouldn’t let him pick up all of the aluminum cans at the Frat House partyDisappointed smile…he recycles and cashes in on his OWN supply!!

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Brenda, Mark and Joshua Eisenberg….GOOD TIMES!!!!